I think recognizing this as an issue is the start! I understand how you came to this place and I think you have a legitimate concern. If I were you I would start now with steering your children, little by little, in the right direction towards independence. I don't think it would take too many mornings of being late to school to learn that the alarm is going to get you up. Can you think of ways that would coax your 19 year old to earn those things that he has? This is very difficult stuff. They may both grow older, looking for a mate that will take care of them because that is what they need and it would be much more valuable for them to be able to stand on their own two feet. Good luck.

Gwyn,
I have two teenage boys so please pass me some Pinot too! I teach middle school , 8th grade, so please pass me another Pinot! What would we do without laughter?! I am envious that you are writing. I have always wanted to write but somehow can't find the time or know how to get started.
I was reminded as I read about you what my mom told me when my two were small. She told me that I was raising my grandchildren. What I do with my two will carry on to the next generation,good or bad. I pass on my faith,life values,traditions. Whether they choose to hold on to them only time will tell...enjoy them. Since my mom died of cancer, I take life much slower and easier...blessings to you Gwyn,

I believe that we should all have female friends who are more mature in their daily walks than we are. One of my more experienced friends shared the greatest parenting advice when my now 18 year old son was born, "remember your job is not to prevent his pain, but to be there to pick him up when he falls". It has been difficult to not pave the way for him, but he has become a confident young man and we have a close relationship due my heading this sage advice. It sounds like it might be time for you to back up and let the children find their own way, even though they will fall. They (and their future spouses) will thank you some day.

I know when you are actively present in your life it's difficult sometimes to see what is most evident.
To exemplify: You are my dream life. You have so many things that are enviable. You have the career, a writer. I struggle with my passion as a writer and am not taken as seriously as I would like by my family. I have four daughters, no sons. You are blessed with to have children. What you do with them is your choice. Not everyone desires to raise entreperneurs or doctors. For me it's always been about just giving and allowing them as many different experiences and opportunities as they can handle. When they find their passion I support their decision to actively persue it. My oldest daughter went to college but decided she would prefer to own her own business as a wedding coordinator and within three years she has a reputation that is earning her a good income and the freedom the raise her daughter. My number 2 daughter is taking her time in school because she's not 100% sure what she wants. My 15 yr. old is an artist and a flutist. She has set goals for college and knows that it will always conclude in a career in the arts. My youngest, 13, has special needs and she'll be with me for a long time but I never stop championing her desire tolearn. She takes horseback riding therapy, swimming and meets her wi-fi friends at the Purple Cow on Thursdays. My life is caos when you add to the mix a multi-million dollar family owned and opertaed business. Relax, if they haven't committed a felony or are actively on parole your doing something right and I'm sure if you ask, you'll find just how much they do appreciate what you've given to them.

Loved your Bio-you go girl...Also saw you in our local magazine. You are like a Rock Star! Would love to catch up with you...

I agree with Gwyn. In trying to create a supportive and safe childhood for our youngsters, we may be veering into overinvolvement. I guess the real way to know is by finding out what the kids do when they're not with you. If they are self-sufficient and ready to take on challenges, then you've done a good job!

After raising three children to adulthood, I truly believe that doing too much for them is as harmful as doing too little. allowing them to struggle and now and then, fail, is important for them to do as part of the growing-up procedure. When they are alowed to fail,, while still living at home, they have the support of their family to fall back on and cushion the hardest "blows" that may fall. I know it's so difficult to watch our beloved children struggle with something that we could so easily "fix" for them, but we have to let them work their way through problems. They will come through it stronger, with a great deal more self-respect and confidence. A comment that has stuck with me for most of my adult life is this: " From birth, we should be raising and preparing our children to leave us"
Tough to think about, but it is so very true.

First of all you're to be praised for the fortitude you've shown all these years. However, it's important to realize that not everyone possesses this particular trait.

It would be helpful to you and your family if you could set aside some time to really think about the long run. Imagine yourself at 100 years old. What will you want your kids to say about you? What will you have wanted for them? Thinking about the situation this way may offer you a different perspective on your situation.

If you want your children to be independent, consider offering them opportunities to work for what they really want, instead of giving it to them.
When you give them things, you make yourself feel likea good mother. However, you may be paying a price in helping the develop their independence.

Good luck!

I am just older than your children are, 23 to be exact. I had a strange mixture of both of the childhoods you are describing... my mother when I was very young worked all the time but eventually started working out of the house and became the cookie baking always there mom I imagine you to be. At 15 I moved out and went to boarding school and became totally self sufficient but until recently, was still financially dependent on my parents. From where I stand, slightly older than your children... you need to be sure they know a few things. 1. How to manage their money. 2. How to get all the things they need to do done (which includes getting up on time and getting to school with everything they need) 3. How to handle themselves in uncomfortable situations (I went to college in the middle of Chicago and learned this one the hard way, getting mugged) and 4. that no matter what happens and how old they are, they can always depend on you. These are the things that my parents enstilled in me and now, having just graduated, gotten married, and bought my first house, I cant imagine anything more important than these tasks. If you can get to work on time, and do what's expected, not spend more than you make, take care of yourself above anyone else, and love your parents, you can do pretty much anything in my book...

Loving our kids is our highest calling. Sometimes that love takes on toughness and holding kids responsible. Letting them fail while they are still with you at home is crucial. You are there to help them learn to handle dissapointment and ultimately make right decisions on their own. We are to be parents first and friends later after they have grown up. Sometimes in giving "all we lacked" growing up is not appropriate or good for that specific child. We are to raise up a child in the way he or she should go, not how we wanted to be raised. It is a subtle distinction but an important one nonetheless. I do not have it all figured out. I make mistakes and as I tell my kids sometimes, " I have never been the mother of a 16 and 14 year old before so I am bound to make mistakes." I apologize when I am wrong and hold my ground when I am convinced what I am doing is right and for their own good. As parents I think we need to cultivate common sense in our children. I see a frightful lack of it in people I meet every day. Keep on loving those guys and stick to your guns!

I think you are doing the right thing - help out your children as much as you can. As long as they have room to make their own decisions, having you there for them in the good times as well as the bad times will be a blessing - and might even give them more confidence to excel in life.

This parenting stuff is never easy, is it? I'm thinking that if life was fair the birth process would go like this: baby, placenta, instruction guide to raising this child.

I did not understand the impact our own parents have/had on our parenting, until I started to sound like my mother. I find myself doing the same things she did, and at the same time, making an organized effort to do the opposite. Clear as mud?

I guess what I'm trying to get at is that we approach raising kids through two doors: what we absorbed and what we didn't have or like. I find myself approaching stress like my mom did (when all else fails, say fake swear words and freak out) and making sure my kids don't feel like we are $1 away from financial ruin (we never were...ever. My mom just had to fret about money).

My kids were NOT going to experience that stress. Nor were they going to have to dress like I did as a kid ("$30 for jeans? I'm not paying $30 for jeans!!)Consequently, my kids have an easy-come-easy-go attitude. Realizing the tendency to go overboard here, we do make them save up and pay for big-ticket items they want, but I try really hard never to make them worry about financial issues. We don't buy them everything they desire, yet at the same time, they have a very different attitude towards belongings than I did as a kid. I don't know if I've done them harm or helped them feel secure. That's just it! We never know!

So, Gwyn (which is a name on my "Top Ten Coolest Names" list) I guess all we can do is raise our kids the best we can and not beat ourselves up over the imperfections. It seems to me that everything works out in the end, so why buy worry?

Take good care!
Shelley

First, no child ever has been harmed by being loved too much...yours are obviously fortunate to have you as their mom. I do believe, though, that, in addition to unconditional love, the greatest gift we can give our children is the ability to stand on their own two feet and, eventually, fly the coop. Ideally, this should begin early in life...making their own lunches, having age appropriate chores, getting themselves up in the morning with an alarm clock or dealing with the consequences of not having a lunch or being late for school. Believe me, it doesn't take too many days of going without lunch for a young one to learn that lesson. It's not too late to teach your teens the lessons you know they need. Buy them alarm clocks, set some rules...no driving until they can pay for their own insurance. Let them know you will only pay for basic clothing necessities...those designer jeans or expensive sneakers will need to be paid for from babysitting or part time money earned after school. In this "gotta have it all world," learning to live within ones means is a vital necessity for young adults starting out. My eldest daughter chose to travel to and live in Europe for a time with the money she saved from her job and did not drive until she was 20. My second daughter yearned to own her own car...so had a paper route at age 12 and worked after school from the age of 14 and paid for her own used car (AND insurance) at age 16. My son did the same. He however, was not allowed to drive until age 17 due to needing an extra year to be responsible enough in our eyes. Believe it or not, all 3 of my kids bought all of their own clothing, except shoes, underwear and coats from the time they were old enough to hold a part time job. They all also graduated from college with partial loans they will be responsible for, are responsible adults out living on their own at 21, 24 and 21 respectively. And they have all at one time or another, thanked me for not giving them everything their friends were given so freely....cars at 16, open ended credit cards, free rides to college. The responsibility they took for themselves made them appreciate the results gained from earning their own way in life. Don't make them too comfortable, Mom....they may never leave !

Children only know their experience from what you share and participate in their activities. They will gain from this what you did not have from your loss. I don't think your participation is the problem at being too much, what is too much in my opinion is IF you are making too many choices for them; not allowing them to make it thier decision on what they participate and letting them fail in some ways on somethings is how we all grow and learn. The distinction is critical that your awareness of what is their choice and what is yours will make the difference in what is too much and what is just right. I did this with my two children and as adults they make good decisions and are good citizens today. Even if I do not agree with them --it is their choice none the less.

Hi Gwynn,

I tool lost my mother at a young age. 13. I am 43 now. I have two daughters that allow me to continue the circle of what I missed.

Don't beat yourself up for helping your kids too much. You are doing what your heart says. I am sure your mom would want you to follow it--- especially when it comes to your children. :)