Dear Olivia,
It's June and I'm just catching up on my reading (I'm a teacher with a 16-year-old and a 2-year-old) and came across you ponderings on accommodating your mother. Last October-November, in a period of 24 days, my mother underwent 5 crainiotomies..yes 5! It was a day to day question of whether she would live. Today she is alive and back to work full time. Definitely, take her in. Life is short and you just never know...

Our family consists of my grandpa (95 this year), my dad (64), my husband and myself (38). We all have our own busy lives so we rarely see each other but when I do catch my grandpa going to the kitchen, it reminds how fortunate I am to have a grandpa who's still healthy enough to go bowling every day (180 score average), And I am lucky to have a dad, who's recovered from his stroke, and able to be my mentor on all things stressful. Of course, I am also lucky to have an understanding husband. I believe any modern family can support older family members. There are adjustments to be made but in the long run, it is worth it!

My husband and I built a house 19 years ago and included a section for my then-69 yr. old mother-in-law. Our girls were in 4th and 7th grade at the time and benefitted from having Memaw so close to participate in their various rights of passage. We have all co-existed for all this time happily because she's had independence along with the comfort of knowing we're close at hand. (And the house is set up so that our respective areas are connected but separate.) She'll be 88 this summer, still drives and is an active and lively personality. We've been very lucky to have had so many good years but also think that maybe our living arrangements might have helped Mom along the way. I'm always horrified when she talks of many of her friends and the various situations these older women are finding themselves in these days. Good for you for thinking of her future!!

Hi Olivia - my mother came to live with us when she was about the age your Mom is now. She, however was in ill health. We loved having her and did as much as we could with her. She died after about two years, but we are so blessed to have had her. We did not have young children at home, but she would have loved it if we did and so will your Mom.
Your mother and I, by the way are cousins. My Mom, Marie (Bunny) was sister to your grandmother Helen. Although I have not seen you since you were a child, I harbor many good thoughts about your Mom Ann Marie. Give her my love please, and maybe one day we will meet again. Your Mom can ask my sister Virginia how to reach me if you need to. Take care. All will be well in the McVarish family. love, Maryanne

My husband's mother was 34 when she had him in 1948 & now she is 93 & living with our family.........it CAN be done!! While homes are one option for an elderly parent, too often today they are thought of as the primary option while just 75 years ago it had been the norm throughout the years to integrate the elderly with younger generations. While it's a responsibility that falls primarily on me, all of us have benefited immeasurably. My mother-in-law has a fuller life surrounded by activity and loved ones, my children (ages 15,18,20,23) are learning compassion, patience, gentleness & a 'comfortableness' around the elderly that is uncommon in youth today. They are also are learning what it means to respect an aging parent. I'm hoping that when I am in my 80's (Lord willing), that this experience will have positively shaped their thinking. I could be that I want to go play shuffleboard & dominoes with other old people.....but I don't want to have to. And I am learning that a little sacrifice at this point in my life will seem VERY small when weighed in the balances of a person's entire life. Hope that helps. TW

I have recently lost my mother on Feburary 16th. 2008. This had put a big hole in our family she had The hub of the family the one who kept everything together. The one we would turn to when things were going wrong or right for that matter. She had been sick for a long time and in pain 24-7 so this had put a big load on all of us especially my sisiter and my father who were with her the most. The only advice I can give is to do as much with your parents now and give as much love as you can possibly give, and when you feel you can't give anymore you reach down deep and you give some more because what you do now for your parents will make a huge difference for you when they are gone. The loss you will feel will be tramendouse but the love and patients you give now will heal the hurt later.
I would like to express a warm Mahalo to my beautiful Aunty Lani who was thier for us when we needed her the most, She showed us the meaning of Aloha and helped us with the passing of her tita and our mother. The grace and beauty with which she helped us with this difficult transition was imeasureable. Much Mahalo Aunty, Aloha Kahae's
Keiki's

If you and your fiancee can agree to have your mother live with you , than take that next step. It is one thing to have your mother live with you when you are newly married - but having her around when you have your own children, even if it is only for a few precious years, would be wonderful to both you and your children.

My mother's mother has lived with us for as long as I can remember. We lived in Chicago until I was 6 - during that time, the house we lived in was technically two apartments, so she lived in the first floor apartment and we lived upstairs. When my sister was born, we moved to Wisconsin to a 3 bedroom house. She has a large living room down in the furnished basement, as well as the 2nd largest bedroom, so she's not shunted away into some little nook where we don't have to think about her or something awful like that. My mother went back to work soon after my sister was born, and my grandmother basically raised my sister as well as looking after me. She is sometimes a little bit difficult to deal with - she is very, very Catholic and, for example, doesn't approve of me sleeping over at my fiance's apartment, and is sometimes just a bit curmudgeon-y, but she's eighty-four, so she's definitely allowed. My sister and I take her shopping when she wants to go, she cooks dinner for us when Mom is working late, she helps take care of our cats, she has always been an important part of our family. Sometimes she and my mother butt heads, but I think that's more just a mother-daughter thing that sometimes crops up, rather than any kind of antagonizing on anyone's part. I think it's wonderful having her there... we never needed a babysitting, but she never felt taken advantage of either. My mom always says, "I won't burden you by living with you once I'm old and you're married" but honestly, I would be happy to have her. I'm very family-oriented and I hope that my mother will still impart her love and wisdom and talents to my kids, as her mother did to us, even if she isn't living with us.

You are very kind to think of your mother's future, and are very lucky to have a fiance that is up for this. Multi-generational livining can and does work, and is much more the norm in other cultures. Almost all my husband's cousins in Greece have their parents living with them. But pray for your mother's good health, because even if they are with you, there are no guarantees they will stay. My grandfather had Alzheimers, and my parents would have done anything to keep him with us. But few can afford round the clock care required. We could not lift him, make sure he did not wander out the gate, or administer all the medicine he required... So a nursing home became the only option, but one that was not even a thought before this disease.

due to failing health my mother came to live with us (me and my husband, 50 and our adopted son, 10); despite the collosal paradigm shift and the initial inconvenience, we did eventually get into a new routine and did become happy with the arrangement, in the beginning she was able to participate in nearly all aspects of life; she went the local senior center, helped my son with homework, and joined us in familiy activities. for the last six months of her life my mother lived in our dining room-converted to a hospital room with me as a full-time caregiver. though trying, the experience was without a doubt one of the most meaningful of my life, the best part of which is that my son is comfortable with senior citizens, is compassionate and has learned that growing old and being a "burden" is not a reason to abandon someone. i would advise anyone comtenplating moving a parent into their home to at least try it......
for us, the spiritual rewards far outweighed the physical and mental challenges.

I think Real Life Readers is really a great addition to your 'real' magazine. No other publishcation adds so much to my daily life in such good ways. Even being retired I am still learning neat tricks and thoughts from your contributors. Who would have thought you can teach an old dog new tricks! Katherine
kangle817@sbcglobal.net
Mail : no way! just email me.

I currently do not have an older parent living with me, but it is looking as if it might be a strong possibility in the future. I have been married three years and have a 1 yr old son. We also plan to add to have more kids.

Our plan is to one day buy a house which will either already have a guest house in the backyard, or enough space to build one. That way everyone can still have their privacy but still stay connected and keep tabs on my mother-in-law. Of course it would be difficult to let go of where you live right now, but who knows what might evolve. Best of luck.

P.S. LOVE the lemons on the windowsill comment.

My mother (60), my grandmother (92) and I lived in the same house for the past 15 years. My grandmother passed away a few weeks ago and I have to say I will look back on those past fifteen years as the best years of my life. My grandmother truly became my best friend and it was great to have three different generations and three different points of view in one household. Of course, we occassionally went through hard times, but we ALWAYS stuck by each other. I am glad that my mother and I were there for my grandmother in her later years and were able to help take care of her. She passed away a few days after my wedding and told me that that was what she was waiting around for. She thought me so much in those fifteen years; how to cook, sew, pay bills ,treat my husband. She gave unconditional love and never gossiped. She was very different in her morals than some people are today and it was nice to have someone who was a little more conservative and grounded in my life. I think it helped balance out my personality. Anyone who is going through a situation where their parent may come live with them, just remember it takes work and it will take an adjustment period, but the rewards you will reap are too many to name!
Also, with my Nursing background, it was an honor to take care of my grandmother and not have to have the mental stress of putting her in a home and wondering if those people are taking good care of her or if she is suffering in any way. Although I understand that sometimes circumstances happen that someone has to be put in a home, but if you are able to take care of him or her in the house I would highly recommend you take up the task with grace and love and you will be so happy that you did.

At 50, I live in a hundred year old farmhouse with my husband, 22 year old daughter, 21 year old son, his girlfriend who is 20...and my 81 year old Mother moved in with us 6 months ago.
My advice to you is that if you believe that your Mother will live with you when she can no longer live alone....don't wait that long to move her in. Bring her into the house while she is still able to to care for herself and participate in dinner conversation or dry the dishes or shuck peas for dinner or whatever.
Things are not perfect in our three generation household, but remember, The Waltons was just a tv show. Good luck.

At 50, I live in a hundred year old farmhouse with my husband, 22 year old daughter, 21 year old son, his girlfriend who is 20...and my 81 year old Mother moved in with us 6 months ago.
My advice to you is that if you believe that your Mother will live with you when she can no longer live alone....don't wait that long to move her in. Bring her into the house while she is still able to to care for herself and participate in dinner conversation or dry the dishes or shuck peas for dinner or whatever.
Things are not perfect in our three generation household, but remember, The Waltons was just a tv show. Good luck.

Hi Olivia,
I live in a multi generation household. I am 39 years old and my husband and our 4 year old son live with my mom in her home. My dad passed away suddenly in 2004 and I am an only child. My mom and I have always been close.
The house we live in is a two bedroom, one bath in Daly City. It gets a little crazy sometimes with 3 adults, a 4 year old and a dog but we make it work. She likes having a man around the house becasue it makes her feel safe.
My mom is 68 years old and over the past few years her mobility has decreased. We have plans to build an accessible in-law unit downstairs so that we can take care of her as she ages. We have also talked about sensitive issues such as end of life decisions and having a good support system in place.
By openly discussing the sensitive matters it gives her the choice that I don't ever have to make.
There are a lot of resources for senior citizens that we have looked into and I have found that if you establish these services before you actually need them that's half the challenge.
My son and her have a great relationship and they are very close. Since she is retired she helps take care of him on a daily basis. She gets up with us in the morning and makes his breakfast, cuts his sandwich is funny shapes and gives him lots of hugs and kisses before he leaves the house.
I can't imagine living any other way.
Feel free to contact me if you need some help or resources.

There may be a time when professional care is a healthier choice for your mother, but until then, trust me, you can have an enormous amount of fun and love having the generation that came before you sharing their lives with you and your children. They can have fun too!

My mom is 22 years older than me (I am 34, she is 56) and lives in the same house as me and my son (12). It IS a recipe for disaster. She of course still treats me as her child and it annoys me to no end. I can't kick her out since she is my mother, but I wouldn't suggest having your mom live with you if you can help it.

One important thing to remember if you are a mother or mother-in-law living with your family: learn to zip your mouth NO MATTER WHAT!( Unless it is a matter of life & death.) That has been the hardest thing to do for me.

Hi Olivia-
A friend of mine was in a similar situation with two children and two elderly parents, one healthy and one with Alzheimer's who needed care. I thought their solution was ingenious: they pooled their money and resources and built a new home with a basement suite that they could access from their upper floor, but which was self-contained and also had a separate entrance. My friend was able to keep tabs on her ailing mother and help her healthy father, without it being too intrusive on family life, and her parents were able to retreat to their own little apartment whenever they liked. The six of them lived happily together until her mother died last year. Good luck.

Olivia -

I too had a mother who was 42 when I was born. Now she is almost 87 and last year she moved in with us (husband & 2 teenage sons). She does suffer from a disorder called Lewy Body which will eventually cause severe dementia. If your mother is in good health than things might work out great for you - she'll be independent (possibly drive). IN my case my mother is not independent at all and due to her illness has a lot of difficulty learning new tasks (TV, stove, oven, etc.). It's been more difficult than I expected - almost like taking care of a young child again. I feel guilty because I regret taking in.

My neighbor has her mother live with her - she's 77 - healthy, active, drives, etc. It's a totally different situation. As much as they need you when they have an illness, it can be a huge stress on your family. Best wishes in your decision.

We are a modern family living with 3 generations in one house. My father passed away unexpectedly at 56 in 2002. My mother, an active 62 year old, has been living with us for almost 5 years. Practically speaking, it is beneficial to both my husband and I (we have never paid for babysitting) and to my mother (who has never taken out the garbage or worried about other such domestic tasks). We are blessed with 3 children under 5 and 2 rambunctious dogs and my mother says we all keep her young and send a smile to her face every time she drives up the driveway in anticipation for what drama or disaster or discovery is surely on the other side of the door. And my husband and I (and my 3 siblings) do not have to worry about her being safe and taken care of. Just like in a marriage, we are (all 3 of us) checking in with each other frequently, discussing moving or rearranging things or just making sure we are all sensitive to each other's issues. My one piece of advice is if at all possible, do not wait until your mother NEEDS more help, try to settle into a rhythm together before that emotionally and financially draining time. It took us about 4 years to get into a regular, predictable and stable routine. You might not want to do that when there are other health care or financial issues looming. The death of my father, while tragic and devastating, has opened up this new relationship for all of us in our family. Good luck to you all as you make this journey.

Oh my! I am overwhelmed with your generosity in sharing your experiences. THANK YOU! If there are parellels to draw, it seems that if the relationships themselves are sound, it becomes more of an architectural problem: how best to accommodate the grandparent's living quarters so they remain independent, but are integrated. I am genuinely enthused about this new life opportunity.

Regardless of a current "model family", you make your family the way you want it. If you want your mother living with you, why not?
The trend actually IS to incorporate 3 generation in one home. This is due to rising cost of living and sky rocketed mortgage home values.
Usually in-law issues involve the mother & daughter in laws, not the husband...so hopefully everything will work out for you.