Simone--
You are faced with an age old problem that has no perfect answer. It takes time and patience and LOTS of discussions that are unemotional between your and your spouse. The key to me that I used and will share with you is this: Is the issue a deal braker in the relationship then the discussion must take place sooner than later. If it is not then you will have to figure out what the issue really is about the change you would like to see, then plan a time to bring up the subject when both of you are not tired, cranky or ready to go to bed!!! I always try to remember is it the issue or the person that is the problem. Issues can be solved over time and with lots of patience. If the person (values, character, morals) is the problem, you can solve one but NOT the other without deep conversations and soul searching. Just know you are not alone in this plight all of us had to give and take in marriage and as long as communication is taking place then the issues will change and the balance with go back and forth. In other words, in ten years will either of you remember the issue?
Married life is never what we expect for the HIM or the HER no matter what we think beforehand, it does change all the time and over time. Most issues will work out, the ones that take longer you will laugh about some time --from now-- over a glass of wine and fire after dinner some day.

Your question:"How do I balance my newlywed life with my former life?"
My answer: "You don't." There is no balancing act, except in the bedroom. Your new life is just that - a new life. You are no longer solo. Finances, chores, and all the other little and big things you both will face over the days, weeks and years will have to be thought about, discussed and shared. Sharing is never 50/50. It depends on each one's time and ability. It's worse than waiting for a subway train. It's better than walking in the rain alone. It is very much like trying on a new suit of clothes - the longer you are together, and get used to each other's rhythms
and foibles, the more comfortable the fit. Exaimine both of your routines and see what chores or "dates" fit where. There will be plenty of discussions but see to it it remains discussions not temper tantrums. The marriage road is rutted and blissed. It's up to both of you to work out the kinks. Best of luck and I wish you love.
Irene

I really appreciated your questions about balancing this new married life thing. I'm a newlywed too and I have definitely been having the same questions. Recently though, my husband and I started seeing a Christian counselor. She has helped start to mend this loss of identity that occurs. (I also realized my husband was feeling it too!)
I would highly recommend two things: 1) Being in couple's counseling with someone that understands this ever important covenant relationship. (Our counselor is beginning to work with us on spiritually connecting with each other.) and 2) If God is going to be the center of your relationship then give Him some of your (both of you) time. (My husband and I have recently starting reading a devotional together over breakfast each morning before we both rush out the door. It has allowed for a connection and a prayer before our crazy lives start.)
You would be amazed at how deliberately adding a time for God together to your day can change things. That toothpaste on the sick is far less important than the thought from the devotional this morning.
My prayers are with you!

Four words - cleaning service & date night. :)

The former relieves any house cleaning battles and you both have to straighten up before they come, and the best part - the house is spotless when you come home from work that day. I always try to arrange cleaning for Thursdays, that way the house is clean for the weekend, freeing up that precious time for us together. We can relax, tackle other projects, or get out together, knowing that we don't have a sticky floor or toothpaste on the bathroom mirror to return to.

Date night is also a lifesaver. It gives you one night where you can just be together, and if you have a set night each week when you have your date, other people come to respect that and leave that time for the two of you. Wherever possible, get out of the house for date night, and leave all of the little frustrations behind as you linger over a long dinner or enjoy a movie together.

Building a marriage is about building a library of shared experiences and a preset date night is a good way to ensure you get that time together. Otherwise, life tends to get in the way of living.

My husband has a few "neat freak" tendencies.....like keeping the countertops free of clutter. Well, this is my landing area to put things until a final destination is needed for example: lip gloss, school papers for the week, my personal stuff that I may or may not need in the near future. It would drive him crazy, so he would put things away or in the closest drawer. It drove me crazy because I couldn't find any of my stuff. We finally solved the problem. We found a nice sized decorative box that fits neatly in the corner of the countertop. Now, when my husband starts to declutter he just puts my items in that box. I then know where to find my sometimes necessary items. It has been a happy home since.

As far as balancing your new life with your old:

I talked with my really close friends before the wedding and explained I needed time....I needed time and spaceto figure out who I was in this marriage and how to balance everything. They were very understanding that marriage came first and that I wouldn't see them as much. My best friend and I make time to see each other every couple of weeks, and my husband and I have friends over for board game/movie nights...but we both understand that God comes first, we come second, and everything else afterthat.

The most difficult thing for us is that my husband and I both share housework/cooking etc. And it all comes down to communication and a lot of forgivness....I try to remember that the sock's I'm tripping over..again....belong to him whom I love :)

When it comes to the household and daily life, we both do what we are good at and enjoy doing. So, whenever I feel like I'm doing all the cooking/cleaning I remember that I could be paying bills or maintaining the cars and I'm really thankful for our individual strengths!

oh my gosh you read my mind, simone. your words popped out at me:"how do i balance my newlywed life...", as i opened the real simple web page this morning to acess the list of easy recipes to make dinner tonight for my husband of 8 months. i never make dinner, he makes all the meals, and i thought, gee i bet he would just die if i made dinner tonight cuz i never do, i hate cooking. if it were up to me we would have big pretzals dipped in non fat cream cheese for dinner, my favorite meal when i was post college/pre career stage of life. we were married in june 2007. we had dated for 7 years so it was clearly time to take this step together! but, it is soo different being married. we are both in our mid 30s, so established and independent with no children. well, i should say not a human child, but a 2.5 year old red head. our vizsla riley. she truly is the love our our lives! but we have had our ups and downs before and after marriage. this blending of our lives and independence of marriage is incredibally hard for both of us. it is a struggle day in and day out. they say the first year is tough, that it will be the worst, and i believe them. and we had lived together for 5 years already! for me it is the commitment for life. i find myself nagging him about stuff i never did when we were dating. nagging about stuff that before i may have said well we're not married. its his life he can do what he wants, cuz i will surely do what i want!! but now, we are in this together. my decsions are his decisions and vice versa. he's a saver i'm a spender. i'm a traveler he would rather be home. should we have kids? would love a family but am i ready to be a mom? will he be the wonderful father my dad was? i know i will hold him to it. is it fair? no way. but all these questions are brought forward when you are staring at yourself in someone else. your husband. he is me now and i am him. it is a union they say. i see that now. i love what someone posted, it is a covenant. you are in this forever, never to give up on this union of marriage. we are pressured from everywhere to give up. it is so easy to give up and live that lifestyle that we are accostomed to. singledom. oh it was fun, wasnt it? and so easy. but good things in life do not come to those who choose the easy path. so, my best advice after 7 months of my own exploration into marriage is this: do not expect him to change. relook at your expectations of your husband and your marriage. are they fair for him??never ever ask him to change. try as hard as you might to change for him. be selfless. make marriage and your husband your #1 priority. learn to say no. if the girls weekend to chicago, or the trip to mexico with your sister, or buying 4 pairs of shoes that are so needed to cheer you up on a rough day, or joining another book club, or the emergency happy hour is called due to a girlfriend in distress, then, before making the decison to say YES YES YES I'll BE THERE! WHAT TIME? before answering yes to those things we used to jump at in singledom, be sure to ask yourself: "is this going to help or hurt my marriage. is my husband going to be happy or hurt with this decision? how will he feel?" am i breaking plans with him? should i be saving for that new retaining wall that he wants so badly? siggghhh. probably should. he is now my #1 priority in life. before career and family/friends. and i also must remind myself to think back to those first 3 months of the relationship! remember how you couldnt wait to spend time together? to make out and giggle and talk until early morning light? try to bring that back, because it's in there somewhere, just lost between the expectations of marriage. hang in there. i know i will. he is the most wonderful gift i have ever been given and i feel so grateful he chose me to spend the rest of his life with!

Simone -
My husband and I were married over the Christmas holiday. We have 5 children together and both work full-time. We have wonderful dreams for family vacations (we're already starting to plan and live those family dreams as early as Spring Break!) and time to ourselves. We both have former spouse's with which it is important our children have healthy and positive relationships with. We believe God helped us achieve the dream we both so desperately wanted during our 1st marriages to get us to this fantastic place we are right now and will continue to be. Who we both were and what we have gone through made us who we are today. It is up to us now to continue to live those dreams.
My point is, who you were before you married, made you who you are today, so please make every effort to not lose that part of you (remember your husband fell in love with all of that) because you are married.
I think it's great you discuss who will handle household tasks, get used to those tricky topics! Probably the bigger surprise is "what' those tricky topics are! I can assure you those socks will always be in the parlor, you could just pick them up if they bug you that much! :) We have a rule in our house, if he puts it down (at the stopping point) and it's not in the right spot - I get to pick it up and put it away. It's amazing...he puts his things away before I can to it myself, because he wants to...for me.
What you have going on right now, is not creating a new identity - you're just creating an extension to the identity you already have.
Congratulations to you and your husband!

Congratulations Simone on making your mariage a real commitment. My husband and myself were married 10 years ago this summer and God is a major part of our lives. We have found that he gives incredibly modern advise for happy and fulfilling life in the Bible. Is it always easy, no. Is the effort worth it, yes! My advise would be that if something is bothering you, speak up before you blow up. If something is very important to you, such as healthy meals, you may as well do it yourself. Notice all that your husband does and make sure he knows you appreciate it. Marriage is a compromise and is constantly evolving. Enjoy the ride and make sure that you grow together and not apart.

Simone,,

In reference to cooking every night, here is what I found that works for me. On the weekend, I cook 3 meats and freeze them for the week nights. For example, I may roast chicken legs, prepare and cook salmon patties, and pan fry breaded chicken cutlets. When I come home from work, all I have to do is steam 2 vegetables and reheat a cooked meat that I had thawing in the refrigerator. Dinner is ready in minutes and there is minimal kitchen clean up.
Food preparation on the weekends reduces cooking time during the week night, saves money and calories because you are not purchasing take-out foods.

Simone,
The answer to your questions is in you. Be yourself and don't let go of the pre-marriage Simone. She is the root to everything post-marriage. All the rest will come naturally.
By the way, I commend you for stopping to battle your naturally curly hair. I did that 5 years ago. If it helps you, after I wash my hair, I use Smooth'n Shine Polishing and then spray on the John Frieda Frizz-Ease, Style. Dream Curls perfecting spray. Works great.
Good luck with your marriage.

I struggled with the same question as a young newlywed. I wanted to maintain the great qualities of our courtship, but I felt oddly compelled to channel a "June Cleaver" persona. My demanding job, and both our personalities didn't respond well. It just takes a while to find your "groove." I cooked, some of the time. At first I stuck to the 3 or 4 things I knew well, but occasionally branched out to a new recipe--and I included my husband. Now we love to prepare new meals together. Also, as a neat freak, I assigned my not-so-neat hubby some regular and obvious tasks to be in charge of: the dishes every night, the trash, the lawn. He was happy to do these things because it meant I wouldn't be annoyed with him (at least not as often). He also likes to grocery shop so we would do that together for date-night on our small newlywed budget. To be a good wife: you are considerate, patient, straightforward and absolutely must give him a kiss everyday when you get home from work. Marriage is the hardest thing I've ever done (harder than my baby that just turned 1!) but I've experienced more personal growth from being married than I could in any other relationship. Love him with all your heart, your marriage is more important than the socks, or the meals, or the jobs or whatever. Any 2 people who love eachother can choose to make it work.

Great question - very honest. In my new book Simple Grace I talk about just this - how to be married, be in a life that has meaningful relationships while being true to yourself - something all of us women must do.

I believe in a higher power - something at work in our beautiful world that is "greater" than us. It is humbling to think about. Afterall is said and done, I believe if you practice Simple Grace and let your higher power lead you then you will never be alone.

Sometimes when we are still and listen we hear the answers. Let me hear from you and about how you are living a meaningful and authentic life. www.bethjannery.com
Simple Grace available on www.amazon.com

Thanks, Beth

Here is what I tell all young couples (I've been happily married to the same man for 20 years):
1. BE FLEXIBLE
2. I've never regretted dying to myself.
3. Stay out of debt.(or get out of debt then stay out)
4. Try to live on one income and save the other.
5. Ask God about all your decisions--including children.
God bless!

My mother told me that the key to a happy marriage was a good sense of humor and a strong physical chemistry. Maintain them at all costs. She and my father were married for 53 passionate years.

Simone! You are BRANDED! If someone were to "lower" your "status" because you wore a knock off product they aren't worth a hill of beans. Put that money to better use - like your retirement girl. That whole fashion scene is keeping women poor and needy. Try it, no one will notice but the other "Branders" . Share the cooking. Don't think you have to make something new and different every night. If you make a great soup you can have it for days, or freeze it for another day. Don't forget to have fun, and don't forget your girlfriends. You will need them always. You will be fine.

I think it's easier to talk about "sticky" issues after doing something fun and laughing together. It's good to start a conversation when there is no tension in the air and you are thinking about what you appreciate about the other person. Then, I think it's important to only address two "issues" at one sitting. That way, neither person is overwhelmed or feeling attacked, and two issues/solutions are easier to work on than 10! If you regularly plan these discussions each week, then they're not threatening...instead, they're strengthening your marriage, they're short, and they're helping you to glorify God in your relationship.

First and foremost I wanted to sincerely THANK you ALL for your AWESOME words of advice!!! I will save this page and refer to it often. I love to read words from married vets and learn tips (from the hair tip to the life coach I will take all suggestions!!!!)

Now, I needed to address Caroline Strittmatter. I hope she checks back here to see my response. First I don't think she understood what I meant by my comment of what makes me proud "My race. I well up with pride when I think of the adversity we overcame. We weren’t meant to survive in this country, let alone excel." When I said we as people of African descent were not meant to survive I was solely referring to the institution of slavery. If you have ever read of the atrocities slaves were subjugated you would understand what I meant. We were not meant to survive let alone excel. Caroline mentioned "affirmative, action, special minority funding, segregation, minority programs" and these were AFTER the fact "remedies" to right a HUGE societal wrong (with the exception of segregation which is institutionalized racism).

I do not mean for this to turn into a discussion on this topic. I just wanted to bring some form or clarity to Caroline in case she truly did not understand my statement which I stand by. I still want to hear marriage advice (as well as hair :-)

Thank you ladies!!!!

I think being a good wife is being able to identify what you need and then communicate it to your husband. Also, being patient....marriage isn't easy at times, but you need to picture life a few years down the road, it takes time to have a really good marriage, it doesn't just happen or just start that way from the beginning it takes a lot of work, time, effort, & PATIENCE. I just celebrated my 9 yr. anniversary yesterday, and my marriage has just gotten to be the best over the last year!! Also, I recommend the book: Getting the love you want by: Harville Hendrix. Oprah had said that she wouldn't still be w/ Stedman if it wasn't for this book, and having read it I understand why. I recently gave it out as a bridal shower gift to my 2 cousins!! Good Luck!!

I got married three years ago and, as a very independent woman, I was surprised at how easy the transition was for me. I have found that as long as I stay true to who I am (the woman my husband fell in love with), and reminding myself that that those quirky behaviors my husband has are why I fell in love with him, everything runs smoothly. I do recommend sharing responsibilities in the home, and as far as cooking, ask him to help, too. I find that if I start acting too "wifeish" (cooking and cleaning, etc.) the independent woman in me becomes a little resentful of my husband. So, it is important to make sure that household responsibilities are divided, especially when both spouses are working full-time. Best of luck and enjoy the amazing experience of having a partner with whom you can walk through life.

I've been married 5 years and had ups and downs. My mother-in-law did everything for my husband and I had to groom him into what I needed to make the marraige work. Make a list on what are the things that you need to have changed...the things that truely make you crazy, then list them in importance and start from there. Talk, don't fight. Ask him which he prefers doing, dividing tasks. If he feels he has a choice he will pick one task to do (example, clean the bathroom (cause your arms just dont have the strength for the tub ;) ) or or the laundry (cause the basket is way too heavy). He will pick one. Vacum or wash the floors (cause both is too much for you). He will pick one. Remember, Rome wasn't built in a day. Don't bombard him....give him a CHOICE of a task every few months...eventually, you will have your house up and running in no time!

Acknowledgeing God in your marriage is the first step to a successful marriage. I often consider Proverbs 31 when contemplating my "role" as a wife. I also have learned to let go of the little things and just concentrate on how I can love, honor and cherish my husband daily. I framed a copy of our wedding vows and hung it on the wall in our bathroom. It's a great reminder of why I married in the first place. I try not to get caught up in the daily stuff that can destroy marriages.

I related to your comments about learning how to balance newlywed life with your former life. I am also newly married, and find the same new challenge! I think it's a normal adjustment, particularly for women who have spent a good part of their lives as single women. :) We'll both figure it out and continue to be happily married!