I was diagnosed with and had surgery and chemotherapy for ovarian cancer is 2002 (I remain cancer free!). I had so much help from so many people. A doctor friend of a friend delivered to me weekly a box of organic vegetables and paid for me to have weekly maid service so I wouldn't have to worry about cleaning my apartment. Two other friends drove at least 50 miles every 3 weeks to take me to chemo and doctors appointments. Another friend and her partner brought me home after surgery, slept on a mat on their living room floor and gave me their bed for 6 weeks! They also had a hair cutting party for me when my hair started to fall out, taking pictures, making me laugh and generally making a stressful situation seem like fun. And the list goes on. I'm a firm believer that what goes around comes around!

My mother was diagnosed with kidney cancer at the end of February 2007 and unfortunately died in the beginning of September 2007. Over those very tumultuous six months I did my best to help her "live" as much as possible, especially on days when things were looking very grim.

When the doctors advised her to discontinue taking her second oral chemo med due to an allergic reaction my mother was crushed. As she cried I sat and held her hand, after she quieted I said, "let's do some living, what would you like to do today?" She chose a walk in the woods, which ended up being a trip to a beautiful rural community, dinner at a local establishment, and a motel stay to enjoy an impromptu Bad Company concert.

Another day, closer to the end of her life, we woke up, felt the sunshining down, and, on a whim, called to rent a pontoon for the day. A number of family members joined us and we all enjoyed my mother and the beautiful scenery provided by the Mississippi River.

When my mother was diagnosed, in the hospital room she said, "Well, I'm not dead yet!" I'm glad we were able to fill her better days with laughter and love and living rather than solitude, sadness, and waiting for the grim reaper to come along.

Four things that have been appreciated by friends with cancer: (1) I helped my friend go wig-shopping when she found out she was going to lose her hair. Made a traumatic, potentially humiliating experience kind of fun. Even though the wig shop saleswomen were awesome, I was able to help my friend find a wig that was really "her." (2) Goody baskets to help with chemo reactions and boredom are a treat to open and can be put to good use right away. Favorite items included moisturizing mouthwash, good lotions, lavender sachets, gossip magazines, photos, and hand-held electronic games. It's also a nice touch to provide something edible for your friend to share with others in the chemo room. (3) My friend had questions about her cancer, but doing research on the internet could be overwhelming -- there's a lot of scary information out there (from fatalistic statistics to snake oil), and lies can appear in the same font as truth. I was able to spend time surfing the web to provide her with links to specific websites that give her data on her situation for her to discuss with her doctor. (4) Mid-chemo, four of us had a girls' summer weekend in the community where we went to college together 20 years ago. It was nostalgic, relaxing and silly, and gave our friend some happy memories as she finished up her treatment.

http://www.amazon.com/Dont-Bet-against-Me-Beating/dp/141431907X/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/105-8164540-6852452?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1194627671&sr=8-1

I listen to audiobooks all the time. When my sister's partner was diagnosed with breast cancer and had to undergo surgery and chemo, I bought her an MP3 player that can record books and messages. I then downloaded several books to it and an encouraging message from me. I sent it along with a Tigger Pez dispenser ("happy pills") and a pink ribboned rubber duck and a card telling her how much she is loved.
She recieved the package the day before her chemo and I knew that listening to the book would distract her from the fears she must be facing. Least of all, she knew that I am thinking of her during this tough time.

I recently met a woman named Anne Marie Paolucci who is a 2x breats cancer survivor. Based on her personal experience, she founded a non-profit called Chemo Comfort, which supports chemotherapy patients with an impressive kit of supplies to ease the negative effects of chemo -- nausea, mouthsores, hairloss. Th kits can either be gifted or are donated to patients in need through other cancer service organizations. Please take a look at www.chemocomfort.org. It's a fabulous help to someone going thru a very difficult experience. Thank you.

I was diagnosed in April of this year with breast cancer. I am 29 years old, have 21 month old twin boys, my husband and I are missionaries and were to leave for overseas again in July. Needless to say, we are still in the USA. We moved in May to a town where we had my husband's parents, but no real friends. During my four months of chemo treatments, one of my dearest friends sent me a 'chemo box' to open when I got home from my treatment. Sometimes, it was big stuff, sometimes just little things, but everything was designed to give me something positive to look forward to on those days. The most important thing it did for me was let me know that someone was walking those days with me and thinking of me and wanting to do something to make me smile!

I'm a breast cancer survivor of almost 7 years. The best help I received was from my brother, Bobby. After the Mastectomy, I found that 90% of my shirts were over-the-head styles. When you can't lift your arms, you can't wear those styles. He brought me PJs, jackets and shirts that all button up the front! I love him to this day for helping me in that manner.

When my Uncle was very sick from treatments, I did a lot of things to try to make him smile. 1. I emailed all my friends with Uncle Mike's address. He received get well cards and thinking of you cards from all over the country for weeks. 2. I also sent him a card every week, sometimes encouraging, sometimes silly, I tried to surprise him. 3. I had the chorus club from the local high school come and sing to him. 4. When he was half way through the treatments, I decorated the yard with ribbons and balloons and made a ribbon "finish line" he had to drive through to get into the driveway. The sign said "half way there"!!!!
Uncle Mike is my hero.

Having had breast cancer before the Internet was in every home, I know how important it is to have resources at hand as quick as possible. When someone I know is recently diagnosed, I send them a list of breast cancer support, education, information and resource web sites. It can be daunting to try to find a resource when you're first diagnosed, having a list presented to you saves time and frustration.

That was a great article. I had breast cancer in 2000 and was very surprised to see that some women I didn't know well really came through for me and others I had considered good friends had no idea what to say or do. The best support I got (besides my partner, who was terrific) was a friend who brought her three year old to visit nearly every week and also cleaned my house. I'm sure your article will help those who don't know what to do.
I'd like to say something to Nan, who is so upset about her daughter's behavior. I now work on a breast cancer hotline at SHARE, so I've talked with a lot of women who have had problems with family. Your daughter is probably very frightened and angry that you have cancer (which also puts her at higher risk) and she's inappropriately taking it out on you. Cancer can really upset the dynamics within a family if the person who everyone else has relied on suddenly doesn't seem so invincible. I hope you will find a breast cancer support group online or where you live or call a hotline to talk to other women who have dealt with this issue. It's painful, but remember it's not your fault.

My identical twin sister was diagnosed with breast cancer one year ago. My piece of advice would be to tell friends/family not to question the patient's medical decisions. My sister appreciated people who listened and cared but did not question what her Dr. reccommended.

A friend of mine who is battling cancer with a triple combo of chemo suffers from the ravages of the after affects of the treatment on her skin. Although she's tried several brand name skin care products, the only one she can use is from a line that I market through my home business. She is so grateful for the results which help contribute to her sense of well being and comfort and I am thrilled that this small contribution helps her in some way. The same friend also recently formed a non-profit organization that puts "bags of comfort" together for others that are going through chemo and includes some of the same line of products in the bags for them to benefit from.

My friend, Susan, has been fighting breast cancer for 3 years now. Summer of 2006 we had chemo comedy night. Due to the steroids she was given, Susan often had a burst of energy after her chemo sessions and would be able to stay up later. On those evenings we would invite friends to her house and set up the digital projector and screen outside, get Susan comfortable in a lounge chair and we would all laugh through a good comedy movie.

Last spring I sent out an email to all her friends and invited them to a garden party. I asked them to bring tools, compost, fertilizer, seeds, flower and vegetable starts. About 25 people came and stayed for over 4 hours. A couple of friends who were physically unable to garden made lunch. We made sure there was plenty of water and other beverages. Everyone had a great time and by the end of the day Susan's garden was in shape. Susan still talks about how having the garden taken care of made such a difference to her emotionally. Prior to the party she would look out at the garden and feel helpless to do anything with it. After the party she could go out and enjoy the beauty of it as well as enjoy the fresh flowers and vegetables that had been planted.

Another friend of Susan's has hired a house keeper to clean Susan's house twice a month.

Leah, thank you for your positive feedback. My friend's husband is currently unemployed so he does much around the house,cleaning, cooking & driving her around. If he does find a job soon, I will do as much as possible for her. Deepest sympathy on your mother's passing.

I just bought my first copy of Realsimple and thank goodness I did because I found the article about supporting a friend with Breast Cancer. I learned so much. My best friend was just diagnoised. I think that I will be a better friend to her having read your article.
I can't thank you enough for this article. So much has been published this month because it is Breast Cancer Awarenes Month. This is the best and most helpful article I have come across. Bless you all.

For Charmaine Schrofer:

Making meals is very important, not just for the cancer patient but for the family as well. As a Boomerang Child living with my parents and helping my mom with her treatment, I was exhausted from cleaning the house, walking the dogs, making dinner, doing the dishes, taking care of my mom all while trying to work and hold down a job. My mom wasn't a very social person but she had a few friends that came over a handful of times with a laundry basket full of food. Knowing I wouldn't have to cook (and buy the groceries for the meal, as well as put them away) was such a relief.

Keep it up with the meals - it may get tiresome but it is SUCH a help!

The first time my mom was diagnosed with curable breast cancer, we hated any time someone told us a story about someone who passed away from cancer. After the cancer came back and was deemed terminal, the only stories we were interested in were the ones with unhappy ending - we wanted to know how other people faced it.

I am a one year breast cancer survivor, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading your article 'helping someone with breast cancer" and I am helping my fellow co-workers by sincere words of encouragement, prayers and anything else that I can do.

But, I have a very unusal question to ask that happened to me and would like to know if anyone else encountered this problem. After being diagnosed, having surgery and radiation treatments, my daughter did not visit me once, bring me food, call me on the phone (about 4 months) and even on two occasions I asked her to take me to Houston (3 1/2 hour drive) because I felt so bad I had no energy to drive for my doctor's appointment. She told me to fly because she was too busy. She told me that I was "milking" the sickness and said "you were going to work everyday, I figured you were okay". Also, she did not allow my twin (6 1/2 year old) grandchildren to see me when I was sick and to this day prevents me from using the word cancer in front of them or see the incision. I am also not allowed to use the word dead or death around them. I visit with my therapist and he is as at a loss as are my friends and fellow employees.

Any advice anyone can give me would be deeply appreciated.

Thank you

I was diagnosed with breast cancer within 3 weeks after being diagnosed with endometrial cancer. This past spring I underwent 3 surgeries plus enumeral tests and then radiation treatments this summer. My friend Sharon was a wonderful support. Since she is in two of the groups I belong to and knows several other friends, she volunteered to coordinate help and visits. For the first month I was home after the hysterectomy, I never had to cook a dinner. If anyone asked what they could do to help, I just gave them Sharon's number, which was great because I have a hard time asking for help. Everyone could call Sharon and she scheduled when they would come and visit or drop off dinner. For the most part, I had someone over almost everyday to visit for a short while so I wouldn't feel so isolated but it wasn't overwhelming either.

Everone was so wonderful, they kept each other informed on how I was doing and sent hundreds of cards. Congregations of many different religions prayed for me. People who had had breast cancer were there to give me advice if I needed it and everyone cheered me on. I can't begin to tell you how much it helped keep me positive.

Now I need to pass on the help to others.

Your stories in the October 2007 issue rang true in so many ways. I am 36, married, 3 girls ages 7,6, and 4.
I underwent a bilateral mastectomy on July 18, 2007.

I never had a woe is me, why me outlook.....I turned into survival mode...get it out, how do we help our girls, where is the best place for me for surgery/treatment?

What truly has helped is those that take a moment to listen and give validity when I say "This Sucks!" Some think that b/c I am driving, back to the gym, etc...that I am all better. I refrain, but want to scream out "LIVE IN MY SKIN! I AM A HUMAN CONSTRUCTION SIGHT RIGHT NOW!" So, those that can give you the validity or free pass to vent is a blessing. Also, I have had a fabulous support system of family and friends. I have not had to cook a meal in 2 months...there is a dinner on my doorstep each night through the first week of October and people keep asking what they can do...how blessed am I to have all of these remarkable people in "my corner"?!!!

Everyone knows I am not shy-when it's time for surgery #2 to take the expanders out and put implants in I will ask for help again.

ASking for help has never been a strong point for myself...I needed to learn that through this-I had no choice!

I actually wrote to Real Simple in August about helping to contribute to a story, but did not hear back. I am glad to at least have this venue to reach out.

After that terrible tragedy in Chesire, CT with the home invasion triple homicide, I have remembered the words of Dr. William Petit (the husband/father that survived) as he spoke at the memorial service..."help your neighbor, fight for a cause, and love your family". Hopefully reaching out like this helps others.

"Old" aspects of my life are still here-friends, family, the gym, my schedule....because of cancer my life is forever changed...not all bad either. Since my diagnosis, the trees are greener and the flower colors are more vibrant. I do wonder from time to time, "Did they get it all? I know the 2 lymph nodes were negative and their is no more breast tissue on either side, and margins are clear...BUT, did they REALLY get it all?"

While going through the reconstruction process and taking Tamoxifen twice a day for the next 5 years is a constant reminder of cancer.....I have my life.

I long for the day when I can pick my girls up again and give them a BIG hug- my husband too...soon I hope. Cancer may have came knocking on my body and taken body parts...cancer will not take away my spirit.

In Good Health,

Kimberly Malz
South Glastonbury, CT
malzfamily@cox.net

I collected money from our group of friends and we raised over $700 for a friend who was undergoing a double mastectomy. She is the mother of three young children and so we used the money to get gift cards to her family's favorite restaurants. That way, her husband could carry out (or have delivered) meals that the kids would like and they wouldn't have to worry about cooking for a while. We also got a gift card to a local grocery store that delivers.

Help them laugh, I know this sounds cold or shallow, but I have been a nurse for 14 years and have helped a lot of people and they support people through difficult illnesses. It is ok to laugh, try to find humor in anything.

My dearest friend has about a year to live. She asked everyone to support her decisions, which I do. I also make her & her husband a meal a week,something that is easy for them to prepare after her chemo sessions. I make myself available to her if she should need any support. I plan to be with her at the end as she hopes to die at home.