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After seeing the post Keeping It Cool While Uncluttering with a Partner, a reader sent me an exasperated e-mail begging me to help her change her husband's messy ways. She says that they have had many discussions about his messiness and it hasn't changed his behavior. She ended the message with the following plea:

Surely there are "clean" spouses out there who have succesfully "taught" their "messy" partners to do a better job, or "messy" spouses who have found it within themselves to improve? What techniques have they used?

After reading her e-mail, I sent her a fairly detailed response. I'm sharing parts of my e-mail to her here because I think some of the techniques might be beneficial for others in a similar situation:

"First, are you sure he knows how to help out around the house? Did his mother always clean up after him when he was growing up? Have you always cleaned up after him during your marriage? The basic reality may be that he doesn't know how to help, or has no experience with it.

Do you have a set time every night when you both pick up around the house? In our house, immediately after dinner, we have chore time. We set the timer (in our case, a playlist on the iPod) and both of us work on chores off a list for 20 minutes. Monday nights we clean up the kitchen (clean out the refrigerator, straighten the pantry, make the meal plan for the week, etc.), Tuesday nights are in the living room (throw out old magazines, vacuum, dust, fluff the couch pillows, etc.), Wednesday nights are in the bathroom, etc. It's a part of our routine and both of us participate. Laundry is done on a set schedule (Mondays and Thursdays) and we load and run the dishwasher every night after dinner -- regardless of how full it is. It also doesn't matter if one of us is clean or messy, because the chores get done and both of us do them. From time-to-time, one of us won't want to do chores because we're in a funk or tired or swamped, and when this happens, the other person usually bribes the other one with goofy things like my husband has agreed to go and see chick flicks with me, and I've offered to do some of his chores for him.

When you ask him to "help out," do you provide guidance for what that specifically means? Do you have a posted list of all the weekly chores that need to be done in your home? If you don't, you should. To create your list, write down chores by rooms in your house. Assign each room a night of the week. Then, split the chores evenly between the two of you and have an official Him list and a You list. After dinner, both of you should take care of the chores on your list. He's aware of what you're doing (because he can see your checklist) and he knows what he should do because has a set of assigned duties to follow. There is no ambiguity. This is a great way to get children and teenagers to help out around the house, too.

Something else to note, when you're first starting the nightly routine, you may not finish all of the chores in 20 minutes. That's okay. Just stop what you're doing after 20 minutes. After four or five weeks of this routine the overall state of cleanliness in your house will significantly improve and 20 minutes will be all you need.

If after all of these attempts your husband refuses to do even 20 minutes a night of chores (which, honestly, is just six or seven songs), then you might ask him to go and get a physical check up. He could have ADD, ADHD, chronic fatigue, or hypothyroidism. If he doesn't have a physical limitation and is just plain disrespectful, then you should seek outside help from a marriage counselor. I don't mean that in a flippant way, either. Respect is the foundation of a good marriage, and if it's not there, your marriage could be in trouble."

What have other people done to encourage others to help out around the house? Please share your ideas in the comments.

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