Seven Tips for Dealing with Difficult Relatives During the Holidays.

For many people, Thanksgiving is a joyous holiday—but some people dread it. Why? Difficult relatives. Here are some strategies for keeping Thanksgiving dinner pleasant:

1. Ahead of time, spend a few minutes thinking about how you want to behave. Don’t just react in the moment; consider how you want to act. If you’ve had unpleasant experiences in the past, think about WHY they were unpleasant and what YOU could do to change the dynamics of the situation. You may tell yourself that you want everyone to get along – but if so, you need to do your part to contribute to a harmonious atmosphere. In particular…

2. Think about how topics that seem innocent to you might upset someone else. You may think you’re showing a polite interest, but some questions will rub a person the wrong way: “So do you have a boyfriend yet?” “When are you two going to get married/start a family?” “Didn’t you give up smoking?” “Can you afford that?” “When are you going to get a real job?” Try more open-ended questions, like “What are you up to these days?” or “What’s keeping you busy?” Also…

3. Avoid strife. Some families enjoy passionate arguments; however, most don’t handle arguments very well. If you know Uncle Bob’s views are going to drive you crazy, don’t raise a controversial subject! And if he brings it up, you don’t have to engage. Try to make a joke of it, and say something like, “Let’s not talk about that, and give the rest of the family something to be thankful for,” etc. There’s a time and a place for everything.

4. Don’t drink too much. It can seem festive to fill up your glass, but it’s easy to lose track of how much you’re drinking. Alcohol makes some people feel merry, but it also makes some people feel combative, or self-pitying, or lowers their inhibitions in a destructive way. I basically had to give up drinking because alcohol makes me so belligerent. Think of the calories you’ll save!

5. Play your part in the tradition. For some people, traditions are very, very important; for others, no. You may feel irritated by your brother’s insistence on having exactly the same food every Thanksgiving. Try to be patient and play your part. In the long run, traditions and rituals tend to help sustain happiness and family bonds. If you’re the one who wants everything to be perfect, try to ease up on yourself and everyone else, so that you can enjoy the day, whatever happens.

6. Don’t stuff yourself. Research shows that in fact, most people add just one pound during the holidays – but then they never lose it. You’ll have more fun if you’re not feeling uncomfortably full and then guilty about having eaten too much. (How did you feel about the Halloween candy you ate?) Think about strategies for staying in control of holiday eating.

7. Remember it’s THANKSGIVING. Be thankful that you get to cook, or that you don’t have to cook. Be thankful that you get to travel, or that you don’t have to travel. Be thankful for your family or your friends. Find something. Studies show that gratitude is a major happiness booster.

Wait, you might be thinking, these strategies don’t tell you how to deal with your difficult relatives — they tell you how to behave yourself. Well, guess what! You can’t do anything to change what your difficult relatives are going to do; you can only change yourself.

Have you found any helpful strategies for dealing with a difficult Thanksgiving situation? What more would you add? Dealing happily with difficult people is one of the most important elements of my Happiness Project.

The days are long, but the years are short.