Last week I made the terrible mistake of telling Middle as we walked to school that his outfit that day was “super cool.” Now, in my own defense, I don’t think I’ve ever used the phrase “super cool” before and hopefully I will never do it again. It does not help that I said it as one word: supercool. There is nothing less “super cool” than a mother who uses words like supercool, and Middle let me know that, and I mean immediately.
As it turns out, I am:
- not qualified to rate whether an outfit is cool or not
- not encouraged to say things like supercool without fear of extreme embarrassment
- better off if I say very little, even if my son is the only one within earshot
After this exchange I began to wonder if it’s ever possible to be cool in the eyes of your children, and simultaneously to be a good parent. As the mother of three boys, including one who is a teenager and one who just acts like one, I sometimes struggle with how to behave. Which is ridiculous! But, for example, if eight 13-year-old boys are in my kitchen eating pizza that I have ordered, do I hang around and ask anybody if they want a drink, or do I leave the room as quickly as possible? Maybe it’s because I never had any brothers, but I swear when I am around a pack of teenage boys I revert to my incredibly awkward 13-year-old self, and I don’t quite know how to behave. Which, I fear, will eventually undermine my authority as a parent.
I don’t want to be the giant dork, not-supercool mom because I do not want to embarrass my children. But I also do not want to be the mom that a 13-year-old might actually consider cool, because that would probably mean offering them beer with the pizza. Which is not only not legal but also not cool, no matter how you look at it.
So, my question: can you actually be cool and also be a good parent? Or is it better if nobody thinks you are cool (including yourself), because that means you are doing a good job?
I think one has to remember that your children need you to be their parent not their friend.
Or this: trying to be the “hip” mom around the girl that Eldest adores most in the world! Thankfully, I like her, but gosh, how do you act so your “uncoolness” doesn’t rub off on your child in her eyes?
speaking only from the child perspective, while growing up, my parents were not “cool” to me but as I have grown older I can appreciate how much they did for me.
As an adult I think I have “cool” parents, and my brothers agree. But from age 12-20 I don’t think any good parent can be cool
Also from a childs perspective: my mom never tried to be my friend but she was open & honest with me about everything. She didn’t try to sugarcoat things for me and if I had a question, she would answer me truthfully. That made her “cool” in my eyes. She was also willing to listen and that made her one of the favorite moms out of my group of friends.
I find the trick here is to be yourself. Teaching your kids how to be cool, is about teaching them to be themselves. If you are trying they won’t respect you and try to be something they are not – you will feel that resistance /push as they just try to be everything you are not.
I am not saying I do this all the time myself, but I find everytime I TRY I am met with resistance, but when I listen and am honest they are surprisingly open and honest with me.
Today anyway. : )
Well, as I am the opposite of “cool” I can’t really give advice, but I can tell you about my aunt who is the coolest person I know. She has been a teacher for years and she is quick and funny and she loves spending time with the kids in my family (twelve kids under the age of 15). All the kids gravitate towards her at family functions, and if they don’t she seeks them out. Her son, however, loves her very much but would never consider her “cool” and was, I’m sure, embarrassed by her many a time in his childhood. So I guess it is all relative. One or two of your son’s friends will probably think you are a cool mom, but your son might never see you that way. And that’s probably not a bad thing.
My mom was always “cool” by my friends standards and she is now very cool to me – but wasn’t when I was a teenager. She would stick around and ask if anyone wanted something to drink – and then she would disappear.
She was always a good hostess but never trying to “hang out”…I suppose that’s what made her cool.
It’s okay not to be cool – I am sure your sisters are cool aunts, and that’s good enough!
So funny! I’ve gone through this myself with my 15- and 12-yr-old. But I’ve since redefined “cool” as not caring whether or not they think I’m cool, as long as I continue being the best parent I can be to them. Strangely enough, that in itself seemed to bring me a step closer to their definition of “cool.”
My dad being an uncool parent was the best thing he ever did for me. My dad is a very heavy smoker. He always has been so I was always around cigarettes. When some other kids tried to pressure me to smoke by telling me I wasn’t cool if I didn’t do it, my response was, “my dad smokes. How cool can it be?” The kids stopped bothering me about it and I never smoked.
First of all- how cool is having your own blog?? And a really funny and relevant one at that?
No matter how cool you are – your kids will never admit it, at least not to your face. I am certain their friends think you are awesome and tell them that too, once you are out of earshot. But your sons will never EVER repeat that to you.
I don’t believe that being cool and being a good parent are mutually exclusive. You can be authentic and not hide your individuality while “enforcing all the parental rules and regulations”.
Thank you, Zarina. The kids do seem to have a half-hearted interest in the blog, although I don’t know if that makes me cool in their eyes. (They certainly enjoyed all the comments on the post regarding whether or not they should be made by yours truly to clean up their rooms!)
I realized at some point in my children’s upbringing that while I was not cool, it didn’t matter, because to them I was not visible. And so I stopped worrying. If I was having fun with the kids and the pizza, then I stayed and poured drinks. If what they were saying was boring or gross, I left them to their devices. I don’t think they noticed either way.
Okay, I’m going to be honest. I’m not a parent. However, I have parents so I think I can comment on this. Let me start by saying this: I have a very cool mom. She is the type of mom that all of the kids like, but not because she lets them do whatever they want or dresses like a teenager (both of which are definitely bad signs in a parent) but because she is her kind, warm, funny self. In general, people are drawn to her and like her, making her a cool mom (without making her the type of mom who is clearly struggling to live vicariously through her kids…you know who I’m talking about, especially if you’ve seen Mean Girls). However cool she was, I still didn’t think she was cool. If she had been someone else’s mom, I would have adored her (like I do now), but when I was a kid and lived with her, I felt like she was overly friendly and way to happy all of the time. I didn’t connect with her the way my friends seemed to and that made me both frustrated and slightly jealous. What I’m saying is this: kids will always their parents are uncool, no matter how cool they are. Eventually kids get older and realize that their parents are people who are actually pretty awesome (at least in my case). Until then, I think it’s a pretty safe bet to assume that, from your child’s perspective, you are a mother, which, unfortunately, is all you need to be to be uncool. But, don’t worry, any mother who lets eight 13-year-olds come over has to be pretty cool, and your kids will eventually see that. As for the kitchen thing…definitely steer clear. If they want a drink, they know where the fridge is. Nothing like having a mother lurking around to kill the conversation when you’re a teenager (or almost teenager).
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Yikes! I don’t have children yet, but I do remember when I was a kid if my mom even so much as said something was “neat” or “cool” I rolled my eyes. She wasn’t a cool mom, in fact, I found her over protective and WAY too much in my business. But, as it turns out, she was a GREAT mom and one of my closest friends and biggest supporters. You’ll be fine!
Not only do my boys (12 and 14) think I’m “cool”, they say so – to their friends! My 14 year old has no qualms about giving me a smooch goodbye when I drop him off at school – on the lips no less. (And no, he’s not some loner-dork with no friends except his mother.) How? 3, no 4, essential ingredients. First, tuck them in every night. And lay there in the dark long enough for them to talk. Don’t judge, just listen, giggle, tell stories, whatever is appropriate. Two, make a deal NOW. Next time you see one of their friends treating their parents less than respectfully say, “We don’t have to do it that way, do we?” Third, set boundaries and stick to them. They want to know the rules. They also need to know that there are always surprises for which there was no previous rule and, when that arises, you will figure it out together. Last, have THEM choose the consequences for crossing the line. (You’d be surprised at how harsh they can be on themselves.) This forces their acknowledgement that they crossed the line as opposed acting “unjustly persecuted” and your “punishment” having no effect beyond sympathy from their friends at how un-cool you are. Worth a shot? Who knows, maybe you’ll get a PDA now and then too.
Parenting can bring out one’s biggest insecurities. Kids are keen observers and are always pushing the boundaries to find our limits. Your son’s deeming you “uncool” may be that he feels “uncool” himself and is looking to you to exemplify self confidence. My daughter’s only two, but I remember my own mother when I was that age. She was by no means lax, but cool because she was unapologetically her goofy self, and my friends and I all enjoyed being around her.
this might not answer the mother thing but I have 2 aunts. 1 is supercool, and 1 is totally uncool. The uncool one gets out of our way when i hang out with my cousins when I was younger. But, the result is that the only time she was involved was to tell us something we did and were not supposed to, or to give general orders (“dinners ready”). The other aunt, the cool one, she would follow the same pattern except that she would interact with each of us, in a personal way. She would take interest in our interests. I think in her head she has a little 5 minute clock devoted to each of us cousins that she would spend 5 minutes of each visit just asking what we were up to and figuring out at least one question she could ask us that was deeper in that topic in order to show that her interest went beyond the surface. And that, that is damn cool. Now, I’m not sure if my cousins (her children) are put off by her interest in all of their friends or cousins, but for certain they get the feeling that everyone else thinks their mom is cool.
if you really want to be a cool mom (with the boys at least)… learn how to play Counter Strike or World of War craft and go on quests or sparing matches… hold LAN parties!!!
I think that a parent is supposed to parent their children. That means setting limits, discipline, teaching them to be independent so they are prepared to be adults. This can be totally uncool but that’s OK.
I have seen children who were raised by parents who were worried about being “cool” and being friends with their children. They are in their 20′s and continue to have a difficult time with maturing into adults.
My strategy, beginning as early as kindergarten, to hammer home the idea that being a nerd is cool. That way, I cover my bases. If I act like being hopelessly uncool is, paradoxically, the essence of cool, it’s a win-win. My first grader is a self-proclaimed nerd and is a little put off by kids who try to appear cool. As my daughters are exposed to people who are genuinely cool (Thanks, Barack!), this strategy will become less effective. Still, in our family paradigm, nerdy = cool.
Read Harry Potter and try to understand Mrs. Weasly.
No nonsense, down-to-earth. I have 2 girls, but have no problem telling boys what to do. Usually in a way they don’t expect – if they are acting out or making noise or being generally awful – I grin at them. They are usually more insecure than you are, in general teenage boys are scared of older women. I don’t know if that makes me cool in their eyes, but usually we get along well.
perhaps you need to take your own advice and stop worrying about what other people think of you … particularly teenage boys and a kid that doesn’t like his mom saying his outfit is “supercool.” you’re only passing along these bad traits to your children who in turn will worry what others think of them.
teenagers!! gheezzz. mine is almost 12 and her personality changes it seems from day to day. our family is not the norm! no cable, we cook at home all the time, dad likes comics and video games, mom is into art and painting. most of the time our daughter embraces that we are different and loves it. it has already taught her its fine to be the oddball-what’s wrong with that! but i’m beginning to see the ‘uncoolness’ come out in me. oh well. all kids are going to think their parents are lame. its fine with me. im a young mom- 1st born at 18 so all her friends think i’m cool. but i’m really just a big dork. always have been but now i am comfortable with who i am. and ultimately that’s what i want her to learn. be comfortable in your own skin. so i just hang out with her friends when they want me, cook for them, do artsy fartsy stuff when they want to, and let her lead me. she still lets me know she wants to hang out and when she wants to be alone, and i just try to ride the waves of emotions!!! if only we had directions! remember when they were babies…we thought that was hard. that’s got nothing on the hormones!!!